Lisa notes

Share 4 Somethings in the “How to Know a Person” Edition—April 2024

By LisaNotes April 26, 2024 Daybook 9 Comments

For the 2024 edition of “Share 4 Somethings,” Jennifer asks us to share each month:

  1. Something loved and/or disliked
  2. Something accomplished
  3. Something improved upon and/or that needs improvement
  4. Something noticed

I also share my previous month’s One Second Everyday video . . .

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Something Loved

  • HOW TO KNOW A PERSON 

I just finished reading a book I now love so much: How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen by David Brooks.

How to Know a Person

The book is about humans (I’m still partial to the topic; it was my One Word for 2023). About relationships between humans. And about learning how to make better connections with other humans.

Brooks is an experienced columnist for the New York Times, so his words flow smoothly and can be read easily. But that doesn’t mean his words or message is simple. He addresses many hard topics and gives us difficult advice.

Here is a snippet of one action step in the book that we can all work on.

“As soon as somebody starts talking about times when they felt excluded, betrayed, or wronged, stop and listen. When somebody is talking to you about pain in their life, even in those cases when you may think their pain is performative or exaggerated, it’s best not to try to yank the conversation back to your frame.

Your first job is to stay within the other person’s standpoint to more fully understand how the world looks to them. Your next job is to encourage them to go into more depth about what they have just said.”

 ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Something Accomplished

  • READ ONE BOOK AT A TIME? WHAT?

My normal mode of reading is to keep several books going at one time. It’s my favorite approach. I like having options when I sit down to read.

But because How to Know a Person was a library book, with others waiting in line for it, I had to read it within my allotted two weeks. Which meant foregoing other books.

And I did it! I read just one book at a time. This is an accomplishment for me. (Maybe the internet hasn’t totally ruined my attention span yet?)

But I’m not giving you advice to only read one book at a time (I won’t continue it myself). But neither will I give you advice to read several books at once. Do whatever works for you.

Here’s a caution from Brooks about giving advice.

“I told [my depressed friend] he should [do his service project] again, since he has found it so rewarding. I did not realize that it was energy and desire he lacked, not ideas about things to do.

It was only later that I read that when you give a depressed person advice on how they can get better, there’s a good chance all you are doing is telling the person that you just don’t get it.

I learned, very gradually, that a friend’s job in these circumstances is not to cheer the person up. It’s to acknowledge the reality of the situation; it’s to hear, respect, and love them; it’s to show them you haven’t given up on them, you haven’t walked away.“

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Something that Needs Improvement

  • WRITE ABOUT FRIENDSHIP

For the past two and a half years, I’ve been wrestling with a deeply painful circumstance in my life. I’ve been learning a lot about myself (and learning I have more to learn), but I’ve been learning more about other people, too.

I’ve had some friends/family members/spouse who have been amazing human companions alongside me on this difficult journey. They didn’t give up on me and walk away. They’re still here, staying beside me through the emotional trauma. And I’ve wanted to capture this phenomena in words.

But I can’t seem to pull it together yet. Maybe it will be a project for this summer.

In How to Know a Person, Brooks calls these helpful people Illuminators because they shine the brightness of their care on people.

“The Illuminator is not just there to see the depths of your pain, she’s there to see your strength, to celebrate with you in your triumphs.”

I’ve had Illuminators shine on me. They’ve helped save my life. Maybe one day I’ll be able to express my thanks for them more clearly.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Something Noticed

  • LISTEN TO THE WITNESSES

I’ve been sharing lately about my special friend V. She had a bout in the hospital this week with an infection. When I visited her yesterday, I couldn’t get her to wake up and talk. Not even when I played her favorite Elvis songs and Hall & Oates music (although I’m certain her feet moved a bit on the livelier tunes).

But her stillness worried me. The nurse on duty noticed.

So a couple hours after I got back home, the nurse called me. She said that V had woken up in great spirits, talking and cutting up and telling everyone how much she loved Elvis. Maybe she had been more awake than I’d realized.

I was so grateful for the nurse who noticed my concern, and followed up with the phone call.

In How to Know a Person, Brooks quotes Pope Paul VI on witnesses: “Modern man listens more willingly to witnesses than teachers, and if he does listen to teachers, it’s because they are witnesses.”

Then later Brooks says himself:

“People don’t see the world with their eyes; they see it with their entire life.”

I’m thankful for people like that nurse who saw me not with just her eyes, and heard me not with just her ears, but used her whole life experience to understand what I was feeling. And then cared enough to do something about it.

What is something you are loving, accomplishing, improving, or noticing this month? Have you read How to Know a Person?

Share your thoughts in the comments.

I’m linking at these blog parties

Unlocking Verse: Exploring Poetry, Prayers, and Blessings with Your One Word
{One Word 2024 April Linkup}

By LisaNotes April 24, 2024 Curiosity: One Word 2024, One Word Community 4 Comments

Link all of your ONE WORD blog posts below. Share an update about your One Word in the comments.

~ * ~ * ~

You don’t have to be an official poet or a priest to take this month’s suggestion to tap into your inner creativity and spirituality:

Find or create a poem, a prayer, or a blessing using your One Word.

POETRY

For poetry, google poems online with your word. Or create your own. Play by the rules and compose a haiku or assemble an acrostic. Or go rogue by experimenting with blackout poetry or writing free verse.

Here is a link to 11 types of poetry with examples for you to consider. Choose one or two to play with.

I wrote a haiku exploring my word Curiosity:

The seed was “I know”
But it grew into “I think”
Bloomed to “I wonder…”

And then a limerick:

There once was a girl in a house
Who hoarded curiosity and doubts
But the rooms grew too full
So the doorknob she pulled
And the questions came tumbling out

PRAYERS AND BLESSINGS

You can adapt prayers recorded in the Bible or books special to you that relate to your word. Or choose to write a prayer from scratch. You also might try writing a blessing of thanksgiving or lovingkindness related to your One Word.

I wrote a 4-line prayer/blessing centered around what Curiosity is meaning to me this year:

May you be brave enough to ask.
May you be free enough to wander.
May you be empty enough to learn.
May you be full enough to overflow.

If you do compose something, we’d love to hear it! Add a comment on this post or link up your own blog post.

This One Word linkup will remain open for 2 weeks for your One Word posts, closing at midnight on Wednesday, May 8. Link as many posts as you’d like about your One Word. Each link will also be shared in our One Word Facebook group. 

Our May linkup will open on Friday, May 24 (and on the 24th of each month for 2024).

If you’d like to receive our monthly One Word emails and ideas, join here any time of the year.

Tell us about your One Word for 2024. Leave a comment here.

Link Up About Your One Word!

You are invited to the Inlinkz link party!

Click here to enter

Open a Lifetime Gift: Can a Childhood Diary Change You?

By LisaNotes April 22, 2024 Encouragement, Writing 8 Comments

I was only 8 years old. I didn’t know the gift I was about to receive would last a lifetime.

On Wednesday, November 25, 1970, along with a hand-cranked Frosty Sno-Man Sno-Cone Machine, a dress, and a necklace, I also received a cloth-bound Five Year Diary, secured by a lock and key.

My first diary entry:

“Today is Wednesday. It is my Birthday too,”

. . . followed by a list of things I received.

I have no memory of that day. But I remember lots of other days spent writing in my diary. Sporadically the first few years. Short. Simple. Many of the entries were nothing more than:

“Today is Monday. I take piano lessons on Monday. Nothing specil (sic) has happened today.”

But by my high school years, the entries got longer and more passionate. The tiny lines weren’t enough to hold my questions and thoughts about boys and church and school (and again, boys), so I often wrote or typed on my own paper using our trusty manual typewriter, and stuck the pages in the back of the diary.

The 5-year diary extended into 8 years. The final entry I wrote was on Friday, August 25, 1978, when I was 15 years old.

“I broke up with my boyfriend at school but we got back together. I’m glad. We had our first football game.”

I didn’t know it then, but this exercise of putting thoughts into words would prove useful throughout my entire life.

Even now, when I feel overwhelmed, confused, or sad, I write it all down to make life clear again.

I still have the diary today, although the lock is busted and the key has been missing for decades. I treasure my first diary—the misspelled words, the faint penciled print, the memories of times long since forgotten—and the younger, tender, naive me that wrote in it.

But what I treasure just as much is the writing habit it taught me.

The joy of writing has truly been a life-enhancing gift.

Did you keep a diary as a child? Do you enjoy writing now? Share your thoughts in the comments.

Read More:

4 Curious Practices to Deepen Your Relationships

By LisaNotes April 15, 2024 Curiosity: One Word 2024 15 Comments

I’m finding many ways to practice Curiosity this year in my relationships. Here are four ideas you might try, too.

1. See how many questions you can ask (meaningful ones!).

I visited several friends in an apartment complex on Monday afternoon, so this was a fun and easy experiment to try as we talked together.

We learn more about our friends and family—and strengthen our relationships—when we ask good questions. Every person (including ourselves) holds great mysteries just waiting to be invited out. Sometimes the only barrier between a stronger connection is the lack of a question.

2. Be a more curious listener.

I tried this out with my Tuesday morning book club (although it’s likely that no one noticed I was trying to listen more than I spoke, lol).

When we intentionally try to be more curious listeners, we can listen as an activity all its own, rather than listening just to kill time until it’s our turn to talk again.

3. Notice what keeps someone’s attention and what loses it.

I tried this on Wednesday as I babysat two young nephews. I noticed that the older nephew could play Candyland for an hour without moving on to something else, while his younger brother only gave it a brief glance, yet focused for a long time on the stack of books we would read together.

We’re all curious about different things. Sometimes we wander away once our curiosity is satisfied (our question is answered, for example), but other times being curious lights a fire about a subject and we’re driven to dig even deeper. Notice when you start boring someone and when they light up.

4. Be curious why people show up where they do.

On Thursday my daughter Jenna and I drove to our state capitol, Montgomery, AL, for an advocacy day for common sense gun laws. It was interesting to talk to others who showed up and hear why they did. The saddest but most powerful stories I heard were the two moms who told us they had each lost teenage children to random gun violence.

Becoming curious about other people’s motivations allows us a deeper look into their hearts in ways we might not have seen otherwise.

Practicing curiosity in these ways doesn’t require much—just an intention to do it. It’s nothing you have to announce; on the contrary, most people won’t notice you’re doing it, except that maybe they feel more listened to and cared for.

Which of these four could you try today? Share your thoughts in the comments.

More articles on Curiosity

Who Will Need Your Human Touch Today?

By LisaNotes April 11, 2024 Compassion 9 Comments

My husband Jeff was driving in the dark to his early Saturday morning volunteer job (I was still home in bed). He’d only traveled a couple of miles when an oncoming car flashed their lights at him. Maybe a police officer ahead? A traffic light out? Jeff slowed down.

But he quickly saw the problem.

On the side of the road was a car flipped upside down. Debris and car parts covered the road. And a few more yards ahead? He saw a broken fence, a damaged tree, and eventually a second car. It had slammed through the fence, the tree, and landed in the back of someone’s house.

He pulled his truck over to see if he could help. He saw a woman standing by the car that had run into the house. She was on her phone, frantically talking to someone, telling them about the accident she’d just had. He asked if she was okay, and she said yes. She said no one else had been in her car.

He then walked over to the upside down car. There it looked worse. A woman was laid out flat on the grass. Two other passersby had also stopped and one had called 911.

One of the strangers was rushing back to her own car to grab a blanket; the woman from the accident on the grass was cold.

The second stranger was kneeling on the ground beside the woman, gently talking to her as they awaited an ambulance. She was still alive. Jeff could hear him asking her name, reassuring her she was going to be alright, that people were coming to help her.

So Jeff did what Jeff does. He found a job to do. He started cleaning the debris off the road so no other cars coming along would have more wrecks.

When he came home later that morning and told me the story, I looked for information online about the wreck but found nothing. I wondered if the woman survived. I hoped her injuries had been minimal.

And I thought more about the other two strangers that had stopped to help her: the woman with the blanket and the man with the gentle words. In this age where we so quickly “other” those we don’t know, and fear getting too involved in messy situations, and barely have time to rush from one activity to the next, these people threw all that aside. They saw other human beings in danger, and they stopped to offer whatever help they could.

I like to believe this compassion is our truest human nature. And it’s beautiful when it shows up.

Even if it’s in the simple shape of a blanket from a car and a soothing voice from a stranger. (And a man willing to clean off a dark messy road on an early Saturday morning.)

Who will show up in front of us today in need of a human touch? May our eyes be open, our hands be ready, and our hearts be loving for whatever surprises arise.

Share your thoughts in the comments.

Which of These 3 Conversations Are You Having? Insights from a Doctor’s Office

By LisaNotes April 8, 2024 Book reviews, Community 14 Comments

Getting a Look

I get satisfaction when I see the look pass between them, the young eye doctor and his assistant.

My friend V and I have been sitting in the eye doctor’s exam office for a few minutes already, talking with the doctor and assistant on a Thursday afternoon. They’ve been gently prodding V to open her eyes to cooperate with the exam. She is reluctant.

Then a tornado sweeps in. An older, more gruff eye doctor has stormed into the room. The atmosphere immediately changes. Instead of tenderness and slowness, my friend’s care shifts into a higher gear with the “let’s get this done” attitude of the more hurried doctor.

As the exam winds down, the younger doctor offers his assistance to his elder to finish up the details himself so the older doctor can move on. But his offer is almost rudely rebuffed. The older doctor is clearly demanding his superiority in the room. I notice the younger one cringe a little. Once. Twice.

It is on the third refusal when I see the younger doctor and the assistant exchange the look between each other, as if each is saying, “Gee, why does he have to be so hostile?”

I agree with their unspoken conversation.

Granted, when I go to any doctor, for myself or with someone else, I do want the doctor to be confident about his skills. I want his words and behaviors to indicate his expertise. And I want him to talk and treat me with efficiency and succinctness so I can get in and out as quickly as possible.

But the passing of information isn’t the only conversation I want to have.

3 Types of Conversations

After reading Charles Duhigg’s new book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection, I understand a little more clearly what I’d been wanting from the older doctor. And didn’t get.

Duhigg suggests we most often have three types of conversations. Knowing which kind we’re having—or want to have—is the key to its effectiveness.

The three common conversations are:

1. The “What’s this really about?” Conversation
This one is practical. It deals with facts. It is helpful when we need to make a decision and move on.

2. The “How do we feel?” Conversation
When we need to connect on an emotional level, this is the conversation to have. It invites awareness of our emotions, beliefs, and memories.

3. The “Who are we?” Conversation
We tap into a broader, more social mindset with these conversations. These help us acknowledge social differences rather than pretending they don’t exist.

While my primary preference with the eye doctor was to have the “what’s this really about?” conversation, I also needed some “how do we feel?” conversation mixed in.

The news he was giving us was overwhelming, confusing, and a little terrifying. I appreciated receiving the information in a clearcut manner, as if given a menu to choose from, but I also wanted some consideration for the emotional impact involved in making the decision.

I didn’t get it that day.

But I did get something different from the doctor a few days later.

A Different Conversation

It is an early Monday morning, and this time I am sitting with V in a pre-op room, awaiting one of her eye surgeries. The sweet young nurses have already been in to perform their prep work, the anesthesiologist has come and gone after explaining her procedures, and now the older eye doctor jerks back the curtain and blows in.

He talks to V for a minute. He wants to make sure she understands what’s about to happen. Then he pauses. He turns toward me and asks if I have any questions. I don’t.

Yet he still doesn’t walk away. He hesitates a moment longer this second time, and with a soft but serious tone, looks me in the eye, and says, “I will do my best for her.” Another pause. Then he adds, “I can’t guarantee anything, but I want you to know I will do all I can.”

I am surprised. And warmly pleased. This is exactly the “how do we feel?” conversation that I need at this moment. I am grateful.

4 Rules for Conversations

Duhigg writes in Supercommunicators that we are always in a conversation—be it practical, emotional, or social.

To better connect and understand what we and others need, he offers these 4 rules for conversations.

  1. Pay attention to what kind of conversation is occuring.
  2. Share your goals, and ask what others are seeking.
  3. Ask about others’ feelings, and share your own.
  4. Explore if identities are important to this discussion.

It’s not a literal checklist to tick off (although it can be, in the most serious of conversations), but it’s a mindset to facilitate greater communication.

It can mean asking more questions, owning up to our own mistakes and feelings, and being more open about who we are.

Another Opportunity?

On the following Tuesday at V’s follow-up appointment in the doctor’s office, I plan to briefly thank the doctor for the kindness he showed on surgery day. I want him to know his human touch was noticed. It made a difference in a tense moment.

But it is his surly version that shows up again. I can tell he’s in a mad rush. Before I can relay my appreciation for yesterday, I first have to reel him back into the room as he tries to exit—twice—so I can get basic answers about what’s next for V’s care.

This learning conversation is vital, after all.

But he finally succeeds in escaping before I have the opportunity to say thanks, to have the more human conversation I’d envisioned.

It’s a conversation we’ll likely never have now. (I’d rather just give him a look.)

Having the conversations we want doesn’t always come easy. And may not always feel natural. But when they are possible, I hope we can make them happen, unlike my experience.

Connecting with other humans through meaningful conversations—whatever type they are—is always worth our efforts.

Which of the 3 types of conversations do you have most often? I highly recommend Supercommunicators for a more in-depth look at each. You’ll get tips and practical advice you can use immediately.

Share your thoughts in the comments.

My thanks to Netgalley + Random House for
the review copy of Supercommunicators